Just need a spot to write my thoughts....so I figured I would start my own private blog. Different then the "family" pretty one, this is one I will just write what I am thinking..feeling just for my own "benefit".

Where am I now in life....

Well....I think I am pregnant! Not quite sure yet, but should probably know later this week. We have been trying the last few months, and I was getting a little worried since it was so easy to get pregnant with J. And also it was easy the first time, when I miscarried. And, of course, that is always in the back of my mind. What if it happens again?? I know I survived last time, but it is just such a struggle. I have been sick to my stomach a couple times the last few days and seem to be hungry a lot. But...hell...I am always hungry or at least looking for an excuse to eat, so that could just be me making it up. I kinda regret waiting this long to get pregnant again. I just didn't feel quite ready last year and I kept wanting to lose more weight, but now I wish we would have just started trying. But, I am down 25 lbs in the last 15 months, so I guess that is healthier. So...I guess it is just a waiting game now! Not sure how I will tell Dave if I am pregnant, he already knows that I think I might be, so it won't be much of a surprise. Then there is telling my parents etc. Part of me wants to just keep it our secret for a while, but that is not always easy with mom. But I will just take it one day at a time and see what happens.

What else....oh..my job. Been at "everence" (aka MMA) for 11 years now, can't believe it! But about 2 weeks ago, Evan Bontrager (mom's boss) tapped me on the shoulder about a different job. It would be "Director, Vendor Relations", sounds kinda scary! Out of my comfort zone, but still intrigues me. He is willing to work with my part time status, which is great. Not sure how much longer we will have claims to setup for, so in that way it may be a good move. But at the same time, I know what I am doing know and feel like I am really good at it, so the stress of the "unknown" scares me. But it may all be for nothing because after talking with Cyndee last week, since mom and I would both report to Evan, which isn't allowed, they may not let me even go for it. Which pisses me off, but I guess I understand. I just think at some high level they have to let it happen. It isn't like we are claim examiners together. So...again...take it one day at a time and see what happens.

Hey...is that my life right now?? Maybe pregnant....maybe new job?!? Comforting.

Then there is always the weight issue. Grrrr...I hate it! No one to blame except myself. And in Oct & Nov I had done really good with exercise, but then after Thanksgiving I feel off the wagon. It was frustrating. The last week or so, I have got down there a couple times, but not consistently like I need to be. I was running 2-3 miles last fall!!! Why or why did I stop! It is just so hard to get motivated. I have such a ways to go, and I seem to never make much progress so I just feel deflated and frustrated. And, if I am pregnant, I will just put the weight on again. I know...I know...but it would help with keeping the weight gain in check, but hard to remember that.

Tomorrow is a new day...but a work day, so I am sure I won't get much done.